so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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