I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
