you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
