The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
