Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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