All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
