Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
