Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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