please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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