At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
