She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
