the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
