there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
