You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
