Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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