once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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