Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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