My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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