we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
