There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
