I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
