the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
