My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
