just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
