So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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