can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
