just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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