Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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