I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
