i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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