my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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