the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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