So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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