I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
