my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
