I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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