I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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