I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she told me i tasted like america
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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