remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
