Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
