I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The best revenge is premature balding
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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