I wish I could teleport
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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