Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
tell me about the fingering
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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