whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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