I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
