So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
