With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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