textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Let's paint friendship bongs
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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