i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
