if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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