i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
