Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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