Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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