I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
