If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
