He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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