We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
