Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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