yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
