I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
