I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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