Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
